The Final Countdown

Here's one of the more petulant customers I've read about, as described by "Fedora the Explorer".

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Hi, I’ll be with you in 2 seconds.

ONE…TWO…

I’m actually in the middle of something here.

THREE…FOUR..FIVE

Sir, my colleague is free at the other counte…

SIX..SE..

Could you stop that, please?

VEN….

(pauses to think)

Yes, I could

(longest pause of my fucking life)

EIGHT…NINE…TEN…

(My manager waves at the man from the counter beside me)

Hello! I’m free here! Come over!

ELEVEN…TWELVE…

(Manager and myself share an incredulous look. Manager gets out of his chair, comes over to my window to address The Counting Cunt.  He takes a bracing breath and a hit of meth.)

Excuse me, but if you don’t mind, my colleague is in the middle of putting a subscription into the system and if she can’t concentrate, she could make a mistake meaning someone could end up with tickets for the wrong date and time. If you come over to my counter, I’ll serve you.

(Counting Cunt Considers)

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. THIS LADY SAID THAT SHE’D SERVE ME SO SHE WILL BE THE ONE TO SERVE ME. THIRTEEN…FOURTEEN..

(Manager gives me a defeated look and scuttles off to shoot up. I carry on with my subscription and take my sweet time about it. You can count yourself silly, you absolute bell end. He’s up to about THIRTY FOUR when I finally look up.)

Right, sir, how can I help you?

ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH THE MATHEMATICAL TERM (says a mathematical term that I’ve never heard of)?

Yes, very familiar.

THE TERM REFERS TO  THE WAY IN WHICH PEOPLE USE NUMERICAL TERMS WITHIN COMMUNICATION, FOR EXAMPLE HOW THEY TRANSLATE AND UNDERSTAND WORDS WITH NUMERICAL CONNOTATIONS WHILST CONVERSING. I AM A PROFESSOR IN MATHEMATICS.

Well done.

AND SO YOU’LL UNDERSTAND THAT I AM PARTICULARLY INTERESTED IN HOW CIVILIANS GO ABOUT THIS  AND PATTERNS THAT EMERGE FROM SUCH CONVERSATIONS.

U-huh.

AND THUS, FROM HERE ON IN, WHENEVER I VISIT THIS THEATRE, IT WOULD BE FAIR FOR ME TO DEDUCE THAT WHEN THE STAFF SAY THAT THEY WILL BE WITH ME IN (makes speech marks. I sit on my hands to restrain from breaking his fingers) TWO SECONDS, THEY ACTUALLY MEAN THIRTY FOUR SECONDS.

(He beams at me. I emigrate to Spain)
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I don't know about you, dear reader, but I want to reach through space and time to strangle this fucker.