The Final Countdown

Here's one of the more petulant customers I've read about, as described by "Fedora the Explorer".

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Hi, I’ll be with you in 2 seconds.

ONE…TWO…

I’m actually in the middle of something here.

THREE…FOUR..FIVE

Sir, my colleague is free at the other counte…

SIX..SE..

Could you stop that, please?

VEN….

(pauses to think)

Yes, I could

(longest pause of my fucking life)

EIGHT…NINE…TEN…

(My manager waves at the man from the counter beside me)

Hello! I’m free here! Come over!

ELEVEN…TWELVE…

(Manager and myself share an incredulous look. Manager gets out of his chair, comes over to my window to address The Counting Cunt.  He takes a bracing breath and a hit of meth.)

Excuse me, but if you don’t mind, my colleague is in the middle of putting a subscription into the system and if she can’t concentrate, she could make a mistake meaning someone could end up with tickets for the wrong date and time. If you come over to my counter, I’ll serve you.

(Counting Cunt Considers)

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. THIS LADY SAID THAT SHE’D SERVE ME SO SHE WILL BE THE ONE TO SERVE ME. THIRTEEN…FOURTEEN..

(Manager gives me a defeated look and scuttles off to shoot up. I carry on with my subscription and take my sweet time about it. You can count yourself silly, you absolute bell end. He’s up to about THIRTY FOUR when I finally look up.)

Right, sir, how can I help you?

ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH THE MATHEMATICAL TERM (says a mathematical term that I’ve never heard of)?

Yes, very familiar.

THE TERM REFERS TO  THE WAY IN WHICH PEOPLE USE NUMERICAL TERMS WITHIN COMMUNICATION, FOR EXAMPLE HOW THEY TRANSLATE AND UNDERSTAND WORDS WITH NUMERICAL CONNOTATIONS WHILST CONVERSING. I AM A PROFESSOR IN MATHEMATICS.

Well done.

AND SO YOU’LL UNDERSTAND THAT I AM PARTICULARLY INTERESTED IN HOW CIVILIANS GO ABOUT THIS  AND PATTERNS THAT EMERGE FROM SUCH CONVERSATIONS.

U-huh.

AND THUS, FROM HERE ON IN, WHENEVER I VISIT THIS THEATRE, IT WOULD BE FAIR FOR ME TO DEDUCE THAT WHEN THE STAFF SAY THAT THEY WILL BE WITH ME IN (makes speech marks. I sit on my hands to restrain from breaking his fingers) TWO SECONDS, THEY ACTUALLY MEAN THIRTY FOUR SECONDS.

(He beams at me. I emigrate to Spain)
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I don't know about you, dear reader, but I want to reach through space and time to strangle this fucker.

Future Show

Allow me to set the scene for you- it's a small theatre, just before the start of our second show of the day, and the place is at this point heaving with customers. There's a queue stretching most of the way across the foyer that is made up of people waiting to collect tickets for this performance. Every single one of these customers has, to some degree or another, their head in the clouds.

Seeing as their heads are also stuck firmly up their own arses, these are some impressive contortionists.

"I want to collect tickets under this name."

I can see by their account that tonight's tickets have already been printed, but they aren't in the collections tray. Busy as we are, I decide not to care enough to ask questions.

"Here you go."

"These are tonight's tickets."

"Yes."

"We already have these. We want to collect tickets for the show three months from now."

Staring hard, I try my very best to make her combust with my mind alone. No dice, for the reasons I then outlined.

"You might need to tell us that kind of information in future. We can't divine this kind of information with psychic powers. There's a show starting in 9 minutes, and a foyer filled with people queuing to collect tickets for it. We don't read minds. It's not in our skill set."

Apparently I shouldn't lecture customers anymore.

Lightning Round

Courtesy of the Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/stillsoldout/), here are a selection of various people's brief experiences in various customer service positions.

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• When working in a clothes shop (elderly) ladies used to lift up their jumpers to show me their bra & ask if we stocked the same one.

• "What does 'restricted leg room' mean?"

         "...it means the leg room is restricted"

• When informing a rotten customer about how consumer laws have changed, she replied "They don't change laws".

• "When it says 'restricted view', does this just mean we are restricted to our seats for the entire performance?"

• When telling a person that receiving credit card information by email is high risk, I was told I'm an idiot in several different words and that no one can possibly access the emails because only this person has the password. 

• When i was working in retail, during xmas, I was asked "would you wear this jacket outdoors?". To which i replied "would you wear it indoors?". Not happy with my answer they proceeded to tell me how cheeky I was and said they weren't going to buy the outdoor jacket. At this stage I couldn't care less and finished it with "if you take it or not, I still get paid" and i just walked away. They still bought it.

• "Have you got a lift?"

         "No, I'm afraid not.''
         "Not even for my mum?''
         "You should have said! This way to the secret mum's lift."

• A customer had a stroke outside the fitting rooms, which we then closed off for her family and so the paramedics could help save her. And then a customer complained to me that our fitting rooms were closed

• And then, this other time, a customer shit in the fitting rooms

• "You can't try on underwear"

         "Why?!"

• "We can't accept returns or exchanges on any underwear"

         "Why?!"

• Customer: Do you have Chinatown?

         Me: Yep, here it is.
         Customer: And is that about China?
         Me: No, it's ChinaTOWN, in Los Angeles. It's a film noir about corruption                and water disputes and land ownership.
         Customer: And do you have any films about China?
         Me: I don't know. We can't check by location.
         Customer: And how much would a film about China cost?

• *customer points at child* 

         "What size would my child be?"

•  "I love your cinema so much, I want to DIE in screen 1, and let you guys find me. Wouldn't that be niiiice?"

         "Erm, maybe not for the the staff who found you...."
         "WHY NOT?"

• "Are you sure you don't have any seats, you know, tucked away for famous people?"

         "Why would you get one of them?"

• "Are you entitled to any discounts, sir?"

         "Does being handsome count?"

• A customer came up in Edinburgh home of thousands of shows and said he would like a ticket to the show that had blue in the poster.

• Me: So that's two tickets for The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time.

        Customer: But I want the matinee!

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The Yes No Gameshow

"So, the only seats we have left are in the Upper Circle."
"No."
"Yes."
"I want stalls."
"No."

Postcode Lottery

"The letter at the end of your postcode, was that 'E' for Echo?"
"Yes."
"I'm not seeing anything under that. It's definitely 'E' for Echo?"
"Yes."
"It couldn't be 'A' as in Alpha?"
"No...."
"OK, well...."
"It's 'A' as in Apple."

At what point is murder justified?

Standard Holiday

"Our shows used to have three week runs, but now they're on for two."
"No, no, that's unacceptable. I'm on holiday on those dates. You used to have weeks to choose from."
"We still do. Just two, instead of three."
"But a standard British holiday is for two weeks!"

Seriously?

"We were going to alter the length of our production schedule, but Margaret's off on the pull to Magaluf with her bowling club."

Piece of Cake

"So, I see from your account that your address is ____."
"Wow, you know everything. You probably even know my favourite cake."
"Yep. Carrot cake."
"That's right actually."

HOLY SHIT GUYS! I'M A PSYCHIC CAKE DETECTIVE!